the hands will fall away

i'm like a paper cup.

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:10:44 GMT

my hands are cramped from 100 question finals and transcribing notes and cleaning and packing. i don't feel the need to sleep at night anymore, despite extreme exhaustion. there is something growing in my midsection and i don't know what to do. home tomorrow. i need to sleep, but i have no time. i should have taken that opportunity last night. i don't like my roommate and how she does nothing but eat, sleep and watch television. she even combines the latter two events. i'd just as soon never seen her face again.

lunch soon. more studying and writing and no sleeping. more packing. i'd like to nap for the remainder of the afternoon.

but most importantly, home tomorrow.

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 19:47:24 GMT

one more week and i am home.
one more of each class and then finals.
i need to nap, but i don't have time for sleep.
i need to write a nine page paper, but i have no capacity for learning left.

at least tonight is pancake madness.

exhaustion.

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 19:16:26 GMT

i should be reading wuthering heights right now, but alas..

i registered for next semester and thus far i am taking:
colloquium II
romanticism II
poetry and the avant garde
feminist theory

i'm trying to get into this sociology class called birth and death, but i need the dean's signature to take five classes and he is no where to be found. neither is his secretary, incidentally. so annoying. i don't understand why my adviser can't just give me an overload course code. for whatever reason they switched it from your adviser giving you the code to needing the dean's approval. he should be around more. he is the dean, after all. or maybe he should have someone there in his stead so people could make appointments to see him.
nothing here is run properly or logically.

home in six days.

I give you money and send you into the grocery store to pick up 5 items.
You can only pick one thing from the following departments.. what is it?
1. Produce: banana
2. Bakery: wheat bagels
3. Meat: nope
4. Frozen: veggie burgers
5. Dry goods: wheat crackers

Let's say we're heading out for a weekend getaway.
You're only allowed to bring 3 articles of clothing with you.
So, what's in your bag?
1. leggings
2. black/white tshirt
3. flats

If I was to listen in on one of your conversations throughout the day, what 5 phrases or words would I be most likely to hear?
1. imagine!
2. interesting...
3. WHAT
4. aahhhh!
5. anyway,

So, what 3 things do you find yourself doing every single day, and if you didn't get to do, you probably wouldn't be in the best mood?
1. cigarettes
2. homework
3. sleeeep

Sweet, you just scored a whole afternoon to yourself.
We're talking a 3 hour block with nobody around.
What 5 activities might we find you doing?
1. movie
2. read, but not for school
3. call corey
4. make coffee
5. think about what else i should be doing

We're going to the zoo.
But, it looks like it could start storming, so it'll have to be a quick visit.
What 3 exhibits do we have to get to?
1. polar bears
2. elephants
3. giraffes

You just scored tickets to the taping of any show that comes on t.v. of your choice.
You can pick between 4, so what are you deciding between?
1. dr phil
2. america's next top model
3.
4.

You're hungry for ice cream.
I'll give you a triple dipper ice cream cone.
What 3 flavors can I pile on for ya?
1. bubble gum
2. vanilla
3. vanilla

Somebody stole your purse/wallet…
in order to get it back, you have to name 5 things you know are inside to claim it.
So, what's in there?
1. phone
2. school id
3. bottled water
4. various books
5. so many pens

You are at a job fair, and asked what areas you are interested in pursuing a career in.
Let's pretend you have every talent and ability to be whatever you wanted, so what 4 careers would be fun for you?
1. publishing editor
2. publisher
3. genius professor
4. millionaire

If you could go back and talk to the old you, when you were in high school, and inform yourself of 3 things, what would you say?
1. try harder
2. stop getting bad haircuts
3. don't eat so much peanut butter

hey, who's on trial?

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 04:09:10 GMT

life.

i have mono and some liver problems as a result. the semester's nearly over but my butt has been thoroughly kicked. this has been a tough tough tough few months and the last month will certainly not be easy.

i'm coming home in a week and a half for thanksgiving break. i'm pretty excited to come home, but i won't be able to do anything at all. maybe it's for the best. i really do need to chill lately. i've been sort of crazy for a few weeks.

it snowed really hard friday night. they were gigantic beautiful snowflakes. incidentally we were locked out of our dorm due to a very long fire alarm. it was my first day of mono. nice.

saturday i woke up feeling okay so i decided to "fuck mono, live life." i went to manhattan for a few hours which was a dumb idea. i got really weak. i wasn't done fucking mono, though. i went to the hotel to see meaghan who came back to visit for the week. still not done fucking mono. i went to perry's when i came back to hang out for a little. around 2am i wanted to die and realized that "fuck mono, live life" is a really bad motto because mono means business.

i literally slept all day today and i'm still exhausted and i still have so much more work to do.

on december second i think i'm going to manhattan again to see the christmas tree being lit. will wants to go and i think it'd be really fun, albeit cold and a bad idea.

now for a little jane austen and a lot of sleep.

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 17:15:25 GMT

fuck me.
this is problematic.

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 21:31:07 GMT

thirty seven days until i am home again. i can't decide if that's a lot or a little.

this isn't fun anymore.
and now i must read more.

hey, what troubles you?

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 02:09:29 GMT

i'm surprised you noticed.

apparently i missed a lot of dramatic happenings by going home last weekend.
1. a boy od'd on heroin in the building behind mine
2. diana shaved her head (beautiful, however)
3. meaghan got kicked out of purchase for being a liability... that's a hell of a story.

i'm feeling weird today. i'm buried in work and there's not a chance of me catching up by 8:30am tomorrow. i'm giving up on this book and hoping hard that i won't have to write a paper on it. i've read less than 200 of 600 pages. no time.

going home did not help my feelings of not wanting to be here this semester. really, all it did was make me happier than i've been in five weeks, which is a problem. i need to be here for another year and a half and i'm really not enjoying myself. i'm enjoying class and i'm enjoying being half way to a degree (although i wish i were finishing next semester). i'm not enjoying the detachment and the two lives i'm currently living. it's too much. it's stressful. i'm doing fine this semester. actually, i'm doing very well so far, but i'm not feeling it.

i think last semester was exciting and new and big and now i'm used to it and comfortable and i'm not liking it anymore. i have a serious problem giving up on things when they're not new anymore. i guess that's my only motivation for graduating here. i'd transfer in a second if i didn't recognize that about myself. i half wish i didn't recognize that.

someone be encouraging here.

it's your gradual descent into a life you never meant.

you don't know i can go

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 02:48:34 GMT

home in three days. finally, finally. it's been difficult.

i have so much school work. most of it i enjoy, but i just wrote a paper that stole my soul. it took me all day and it only had to be four pages. i'm sure the fact that the book wasn't written in chronological order and every paragraph ended with "and she wept bitterly for the love of our lord jesus christ." it really is quite a shame that this class is required to be a literature major.

tuesdays are the worst days. i have class at 8:30, 12:30 and then again at 6:30. i like my night class a lot, but it's really draining and i feel like i should be having fun doing something else since i have wednesdays off. i'm too tired to have any fun anymore. i feel like an old woman.

i've never let being tired get in the way of hanging out until this semester. i just can't do it anymore. i spend all day in class and then doing work and i just can't bring myself to walk anywhere.

i'd like to go out and smoke a cigarette, but it's freezing cold and i don't want to walk to the middle of the field to do it.

i can't wait until thursday at 9:30pm.

i'm like a paper bag

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 16:09:12 GMT

this semester is going to last a lifetime, i think.

home in three weekends. luckily, the next two weeks will be fabulous. i'm pretty excited for them.

tomorrow i'm going to long island with sara. she has doctor's appointments and i need a new phone. the latter doesn't necessarily have to be done on long island, but it's working out that way.

class number two in ten minutes.
i don't sleep anymore. it's kind of shitty.
i'm really tired and i have a nightclass tonight... so i will be in school until 9:50. oh boy. i'm looking forward to this one, though, because apparently the man who teaches it has a dracula accent. plus the book i had to read was really great (even though i still haven't finished it).

i'm so behind in school work already and it's only the third week of class. i don't know how it happened, but it did. i think it stemmed from literature teachers thinking that you only take one literature class per semester. actually, i'm taking three and so reading three books a week is getting very tough. thus, i have been severely neglecting anthropology and i shouldn't because i have my first test next thursday. oh boy. my head is melting.

my stomach hurts.

time for romanticism. nearly.

i simply can't

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 16:07:34 GMT

today is corey's birthday and i miss him a lot. somehow this semester is the hardest. perhaps because all summer was spent with him? perhaps. either way, i've been kind of sad lately. i also don't sleep anymore, which is curious. i'm also getting a cold which is even more curious because it's about 15 degrees warmer here than back home and sunny nearly all the time.

my classes are wonderful and the people are wonderful. i'm really happy here. i still miss home and i still miss my favorites.

it's pouring today. i should find my umbrella and i should also start getting my life together for class.

days go by quickly here, but weeks drag terribly.

but all these questions

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 16:17:04 GMT

i've been at purchase for a few days. i have a new roommate. she's a real sweet girl, maybe too sweet? maybe not. i like her. she's considerate and neat and nice. no complaints.

outback isn't so bad. it's air conditioned and we have our own bathroom. our friend diana lives in a hotel a few minutes away with about 100 other students because they couldn't get housing. it's amazing. it's super nice and they get free breakfast, dinner and beer/wine. we're definitely taking advantage of that a lot this semester.

my first class is in like 20 minutes. it's so fake. it's in the basement of one of the dorms and the professor didn't know it was there. i'm basically the only one who is going to show up to this class. purchase is playing a joke on me.

eh. i miss corey. moving doesn't get easier and it probably never will. however, i think i'm going home in a month, with brian.

fencing tonight.
what a weird day.

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 23:30:14 GMT

I
AM
STRESSED

we are just breakablebreakablebreakable girls and boys

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 22:36:45 GMT

everyone is so needyneedyneedy and i can't give anyone what they needneedneed.

for one day ever, i'd like to wake up from a nap without a nagging phone, or an angry phone call or a "where are you? why aren't you answering?" phone call. SOMETIMES I DO THINGS. sometimes i sleep. or sometimes i just don't care.

one week until purchase. i'm looking forward to all that school work. at least that way i'll have an excuse not to... i don't know.

evidently i make all the wrong choices according to everyone, but they feel pretty good to me.

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 04:21:43 GMT

1) The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
COREY. i'm sick of being drunk by myself.

2) When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
i don't use a cart.

3) If you had a choice would you re-kiss the last person you kissed?
you bet.

4) Do you take compliments well?
no.

5) Do you play Sudoku?
i love it a lot/

6) If abandoned alone in the wilderness would you survive?
most definitely not.

7) Do you prefer hot pockets or pizza rolls?
they're kind of the same thing, only one is bigger...

8) If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you would grab?
depends on which house i'm at. i have a lot of houses.

9) Who was the last person you slept in the same bed with?
corey.

10) Who do you text the most?
i don't text.

11) Favorite Children's book?
the velveteen rabbit.

12) What color are your eyes?
gray.

13) If you could do it over again, start from scratch, would you?
no way.

14) Any secret admirers?
doubtful?

15) When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
i guess spring break? that was spring break, right? id on't remember.

16) Favorite ex?
probably none of them?

17) Where's the furthest place you traveled?
chicago was the longest drive, but florida was the farthest away.

18) Do you like mustard?
not particularly.

19) Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
i love to sleep always.

20) Do you look like your mom or dad?
my mother? we have similar noses...

21) How long does it take you in the shower?
years. i like long showers.

22) What movie do you want to see right now and with who?
i want to watch the golden girls and drink beer with corey m. jones.

23) Where were you on New Years?
in geneseo with jenna and corey.

24) Do you think The Grudge was crappy?
it terrified me.

25) Do you own a camera phone?
no.

26) Was your mom a cheerleader?
no. her legs are much too short.

27) What's the last letter of your middle name?
n.

28) How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
lately a lot, which doesn't explain why i'm always tired.

29) Do you like care bears?
i used to.

30) What do you buy at the Movies?
i don't go to the movies.

31) Do you know how to play poker?
no.

32) Do you wear your seatbelt
oh yes.

33) What do you wear to sleep?
if i'm at corey's, it's underpantttsss, if i'm at my parents', it's pjs

34) Anything big ever happen in your town?
not particularly.

35) Do you blame your farts/burps on other people?
no, i don't.

36) Do you dye your hair?
yes, i do.

37) Do you like Liver and Onions?
i don't eat liver, but doug turned out to be a fan after all, so maybe there's hope for the rest of us.

38) Have you ever been in love?
oh yes.

39) Do you like funny or serious people better?
i like a lot of people.

40) Ever been to L.A.?
i don't want to talk about it.

41) What is on your mind right now?
where are you, corey jones? by the time you call, i won't be fit to drive anymore.

42) What's your favorite song at the moment?
shine a light by wolf parade

43)Do you hate chocolate?
most of the time, yes.

44) What do you and your parents fight about the most?
whether or not somebody took their vitamins. or the car.

45) Are you a gullible person
yes.

46.) Do you need a bf/gf to be happy?
i've had a poor track record.

47) If you could have any job what would it be?
i would edit books.

48) Are you easy to get along with?
maybe.

49) What is your favorite time of day?
i guess i don't know.

50) Are you generally a happy person?
i think so.

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 02:21:55 GMT

i get a little drunk and i order things online. i have a problem. that's why i shouldn't be home. speaking of home, where are you, corey jones?

i saw jennnna today. we had quesadillas. saw a verrry old friend and my head melted. weird weird. i should've said hello, because i'd still like to be his friend. i got nervous and hid my face, though. he recognized me and it was awkward because nobody said anything... we just stared. mm. next time.

i went swimming yesterday and i loved it. it was the first time i swam in years.

i'm very tired and very not into waiting for my boy to call. maybe sleep.

because nobody knows you and

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 04:07:04 GMT

nobody gives a damn either way.

i don't like this house. i don't like falling asleep in this house. i don't want to have to work tomorrow, but after tomorrow i have a week off. i like that. i drank a lot of wine/beer tonight with jenna and it was good.

it's weird going a week and not seeing jenna even though i'm back here. it's weird not being eighteen and idiots. a lot of things are weird and

i'm tired.

what's the reason that you love me so?

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 04:27:47 GMT

lately i eat ice cream for dinner. it's mostly due to the convenient location of ice cream in proximity to jenna's apartment. perfect.

work is kicking me in the face left and right lately. i'm there every single day for at least 7.5 hours. it's usually around 9 hours the past week and a half. i'm drainnneddddd.

last night was not a good night. i hate corey's new roommate's friends. they make me want to punch things. they're really irritating and i went to high school with some of them which makes it worse. i didn't like them in high school and i'm not inclined to like them now. particularly because they're somewhere around three or four years younger than me and they act like they're thirteen. i don't like them. i wish they would stop coming over. they were being so loud last night and i was in such a bad mood that i stormed out at 1:30am and drove to my parents' house so i could sleep. not good.

however, instruments did get their albums last night and ben gave me one. it turned out really great. i'm proud of them.

i'd like to not work tomorrow, but that's just too much to be hoping for. i don't like closing. i don't like being there until eleven. i don't like being there much in general, to be honest. at least i get paid tomorrow.

i'm very sleepy, but i don't want to give in so easily. i want to watch a movie... maybe eat some toast. i don't know if i can make it that far.

the creek rose up and tried to be a river

Wed, 23 May 2007 17:29:11 GMT

being back at work is lame. it's really fake, though, so i don't take it seriously. i take it less seriously than i used to and let's just say i never cared. it's better than it used to be because rachael isn't my boss anymore, but we never get out early anymore either. trade off.

it's really beautiful out today.
i wish i had slept for another hour.
today is not the day to work until 11pm.

i got my grades for the semester. i did pretty well. 3.04. i'll take it. my classes were ridiculously hard.

i must mail my parking ticket today. i keep forgetting.

Thu, 17 May 2007 18:44:20 GMT

i am home. it's nice. it's nice to be done.

jenna came to purchase friday for my pre-birthday party. as always, it was ridiculous and i loved it. monday was my real birthday and it was also ridiculous.

i went with jenna to look for apartments and she found one yesterday. it's cute and perfect and i'm excited. basically, i'm never going to be at my house between corey's and her new apartment.

work again monday. and everyday until i die, basically.

what on earth did you expect?

Mon, 07 May 2007 22:40:53 GMT

the semester is officially over. i had my last three classes today. tomorrow i have my written ballet final, thursday i have my americans on the move final and friday i have my performance ballet final and that's it. no big deal. i feel very good about things right now... school wise, that is.

my utopia paper is really good. i just have to change two things. i'm putting off picking up my americans final paper. i'm nervous. i wrote it four times and exhausted all options so whatever it is it is at this point.

corey and i have a little tension these days. we fought and haven't really talked at all since then. i don't know. i hate that the conversations keep getting put off because i'm not home, but i partially understand that we need to have them in person. a lot of it is just unfair and whatever else.

regardless of that, this week will be good. friday my roommates are having a birthday party for me and then saturday i'm moving home. it'll be pretty epic. jenna's coming friday and moving me home. i'm really excited about it. i really want her to meet everyone here.

Thu, 03 May 2007 23:45:17 GMT

i'm coming home in about a week. so soon. it's weird. i feel like it came really quickly. i like purchase, but it's time for home and summer things.

i hate when people walk in front of my bedroom window and look at me like i'm the weirdo.

nothing is done right now. everything is half done. i thought everything was done, but then i got punched in the stomach and it turns out nothing is all the way finished yet. i have three days. we'll see how it goes.

tonight is meredith's senior project. she's a talented lady. as much as i hate having a roommate, meredith was a good one. bummer she's graduating. i like her (and aaron lear). anyway. finished senior project means gigantic party which means for the third time in a row i probably won't go to ballet. it's really getting to the point where i just don't care anymore. i'm sick of school, etc. i also really like parties.

we bought meredith lots of beer for a present. we're pretty fantastic housemates.
it's going to be weird not seeing my purchase friends until september. hm. life is weird.

corey and i got in our first fight two nights ago... it was about europe. i yelled at him. scratch that; i screamed at him. eh. it was bad. we didn't talk last night, which was weird. i don't really know what's going on right now or what's going to happen or anything. i think he's being selfish and i don't know what he thinks about what i'm being. i don't know. i'm not backing down. it's being really unfair and really stupid about all of this. boyfriends. why.

well, maybe i'd want that too

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 04:43:05 GMT

i just watched the notebook and cried my eyes out.

purchase is almost done. i'm ready. it's time to go home.
final papers are going to be my end this week. really, really. i've got much too much on my plate right now.

went to queens last night. it was a good time. long night, you know. a middle age black man called me "sexy lady" and kissed my hand, so there was that at least.

i'd like to smoke a cigarette right now.

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 06:35:39 GMT

i
love
my
best
friend

tons.

you hope it don't get hard

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 22:15:15 GMT

things have been hard lately.
school is getting ridiculous/overwhelming/etc. i have too much to do and not enough time to do it in.

i need to take a class this summer. i can either take a beat generation lit class at geneseo three hours a day, every day for three weeks or i can take the same class on line through new paltz. however, the online class is a 9 week course. i don't know if i want to worry about it for that long. i also don't know if i want to drag my ass to class every day for three more weeks. that's more than i have class now. opinions? how are online classes? anyone?

i don't know.

corey and marc are moving to europe at the end of august. i can't even handle this news. i don't know what i'm going to do or what we're going to do or what we should do or what we're supposed to do. it makes me sick. i've smoked a million cigarettes while thinking about this all week. i really really don't know what to do.
i don't know how long they're going to be there or anything. i'm afraid to ask, but i need to. we have to have a conversation soon. maybe tonight.
he's having a drink with becky (i hate her) tonight, so i don't know if i'll even talk to him again today.

i have to register for fall tomorrow. i'm taking
Colloquium I
Romanticism I
Modern American Short Story
Intro to Cultural/Social Anthropology
Fencing

yeah... fencing. it's two more credits. that's my only motivation.

i need to make decisions. pronto. about so much. i don't know what to do about this summer course. i can't decide. i don't even want to think about europe right now.

i'm considering going to california for a little while this summer. maybe a week. that's another factor in the online course. i don't know.

that's all i ever say lately. i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know

things are such a punch in the stomach lately.
now it's time for food with danielle, so things must be considered later.

my god, what a beautiful boy

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 03:28:31 GMT

spring break was nothing short of excellent. i saw lots of people and did lots of things and it was fantastic. however, i neglected two weeks work of homework. i'm still neglecting it, as a matter of fact. the only homework i did, incidentally, is for the class that got canceled tomorrow. oh karma.

i'm really excited for this semester to be over with. so far it's gone by really quickly and it's been really great but being back home for as long as i was really made me miss somethings. namely jenna and corey time.

i hate playing catch up and i hate that i'm at the age that every time i see someone i love i have to do that because i'm gone most of the time.

i visited my grandparents the other day and it made me really happy.
i don't know. it was a super mellow week and a half and it was probably the best use of my time.

the wildest thing i did was stay up until five in the morning drinking labatt blue and watching the golden girls with corey. a night well spent, really.

next semester's going to be really difficult, so i plan to spend my summer in an alcohol-induced coma... that or returning merchandise at lowe's. somehow i still have a job there.

i'm worried about things, but i'm too tired to form sentences or complete thoughts, for that matter. my tummy hurts and my apartment is cold.
maybe i'll go to bed.